I Cheated.

There is video of a girl and her former spouse discussing him cheating that has gone viral and it has caused great debate on the topic of cheating. If you haven’t seen it check it out here (TheScene.com). The video is in an intimate setting. It’s quiet and the environment is conducive to having a honest conversation. The young man speaks of how they first met. They met in college, after moving in the same apartment building, they hit it off. They spent a great deal of time together and both admitted they considered each other as each other’s best friend. You can feel the emotion (whether real or not) of the moment. The beginning starts out as if their is going to be some kind of reconciliation. But as the video moves forward we realize this is just the last stage in their relationship and the first stage in them moving on. She asks why he cheated? His answer was honest. He simply said he was not ready to commit. After he was forgiven for cheating, he admits things were never the same. The young lady quickly answered that she didn’t trust him. The young man mentions her propensity to invade his privacy. He asks her, if she was willing go through so much to catch him cheating why not leave? She admits she feels she was foolish for not leaving. Some other statements are made, he apologizes and they both agree that this was the end. Throughout the video she is seen crying and is extremely emotional. The video ends with the young man wishing to remain friends and for the moment she agrees. I for one, am never an advocate of victim blaming. If we are in a monogamous relationship and you cheat, blaming the other partner is the cowards way out. I do agree certain behaviors by your spouse can push you to cheat or often we live in this culture that promotes cheating (America’s Cheating Culture). But the blame lies solely on the cheater. The video whether real or dramatized. Points to something I’ve learned in my years of dating. If you are going to cheat or even break it off. You have a responsibility to the person that loves you. Love is often a burden, especially for men and women who aren’t ready to commit. There is guilt associated with knowing that you have someone who loves you. Knowing our actions and inactions affect how they feel, can easily become emotionally draining.

We often speak about the courting period in the beginning of most relationships. The time where you are proving yourself to your particular spouse. You open doors, you send goodnight texts and you go on amazing dates. All in an effort to prove yourself. I consider this the warm up. It is the warm up before the relationship begins. Just as many of my athletic readers know, warming up as well as warming down is vital to a healthy workout. The same rules apply. There has to be a warming down period in any relationship. This video is essentially the warming down period of their relationship. Closure, if you will. Everyone needs closure. Even if infidelity isn’t the reason for the demise of the relationship, closure is still warranted. The biggest questions that are asked at the end of most relationship is why? Why did you cheat? Why did you lie? What went wrong? These questions are important and if you are the cheater, I feel it is your obligation to be transparent and completely forthcoming. Your spouse has gone through enough. The least you can do is give the closure needed to help him or her move on. Honesty is tough, but is important for the healing of the broken heart. Knowing the truth is important, accepting the truth even more important. Not knowing the truth can often leave the spouse jaded and bitter. I spoke earlier about the responsibility you have for those who love you. Due to this responsibility, we have to ensure we are giving and getting the closure that we need. There is often so much anger and disappoint at the demise of any relationship. The only way to combat this anger, is through an honest conversation of what went wrong and concessions on both sides as to why it went wrong. This isn’t a blame game. It is essentially a moment where we get to be truthful and honest about the events that have led us to this moment.

I’m aware in the social media era (Dating on the Gram), the idea of closure or sitting down with a former spouse is counter to the culture. But I believe it is important. The closure needs to happen, the sooner the better. Some of you are at this point right now. My advice, pick a small intimate setting and invite your former spouse, (only if the relationship just ended if it’s been a while. I believe a few honest text will suffice) let them know you only wish to talk and you are looking for closure. The same effort you put into courting your spouse in the beginning, is the same effort you need to use to allow the relationship to end successfully. If you start it, you must properly finish it. I know many of you are too stubborn or too hurt to agree to any type of conversation with your former spouse. But when you calm down and before you date seriously, get the closure you need. Don’t rob yourself of the opportunity to end the relationship successfully. Don’t leave things open, open wounds are hard to heal. The end of anything is often the beginning of something else. We must appreciate the time spent and ultimately the lessons learned. Each relationship and it’s lessons prepare you for your future husband or wife. The universe never takes anything without giving something back in return. Seek closure, take time for yourself and appreciate the opportunity to seek love again.

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